Day 102: Room 102

So yesterday Sharon pointed out that I missed the opportunity to create my own Room 101 on Day 101. So here’s the deal. This is room 102. It’s next to room 101 (the mythical room where you can throw away all the things you hate to be locked up forever more.) The difference is that Room 102 that bit more extreme. Whatever you throw in is subjected to tortuous regime of punishment for all of eternity. It will be forced to listen to Britney Spears on repeat like those Somali pirates. You have to really dislike something to put it in there.

Here is my top 5:

5) Poppers on baby clothes. You know; the little silver fasteners that come in place of buttons. If someone ever invents a better way of fastening baby clothes they will make their millions. I am constantly fighting with these when trying to dress or undress Sandy. Maybe I just don’t have any co-ordination. At 3am when Sandy is screaming after I’ve changed a messy nappy these things are like my ultimate nemesis.

4) Re-usable nappies. Oh reusable nappies. I tried, how I tried, to love you. It just wasn’t meant to be. I’ve already spent too much of my life scraping poo off reusable nappies and getting into a mess pre-wash. I know they’re not environmentally friendly but giving into disposables was one of the best things I ever did.

3) Adverts on daytime television. Do I need a quick loan? Not at 20980980979868767564567608667060% APR thanks. Would I like life insurance? Not really, I’d have to take out one of those loans to pay for it. Was I injured in an accident at work? Well I once stapled my pinky by accident. It hurt a lot, but I don’t think it’s worth suing over.  There’s just something so depressing about adverts on daytime television and they look like they’ve been made by a Culture and Media Studies student with a cheap camcorder. Maybe I need to watch less daytime telly.

2) Shops with narrow aisles and cluttered spaces. I can’t go anywhere without being attached to a pushchair anymore. Sure, there’s plenty of room in those wide aisles at Sainsburys, but the chance of getting a buggy into any of the cute Deli’s or nice gift shops in Ross are near zero. I actually once found myself browsing the DVD section on Morrissons for pleasure recently. This would have been ok, but they only had 5 DVDs and one of those was Shirley Valentine.

1) 24 hour days. Who will join me in my campaign to get days elongated to 30 hours? Sure it’s against the laws of physics but we once would have scoffed at the idea of putting men on the moon.

Well there you have it. I’ve told you mine. Let’s hear yours.

A nice easy day today. Busy tomorrow though. We’re going to Bounce and Rhyme, then lunch with our play friends, then off to Gloucester to meet Grandma and then Mummy after work. That’s more than we’ve done all week. I’ll probably be too busy to post a long blog but will be sure to post some pictures.

See you soon,

Matt & Sandy. x

Things I learned today: There are too many things to put into Room 101.

Poos: 1

Daddy skills: 8/10. Managed lots of ukulele lesson planning with Sandy under one arm.

Day 100: Thank you! It’s been emotional…

So it’s officially day 100!

I can’t believe how fast it’s gone. Before I know it Sandy is going to be going down the pub and bringing her boyfriend to tea. To be honest though, it might be nice when we get to the teenage years because at least I’ll get some lie ins. Today I’ve been reading through my blog posts and it’s been nice to see all the funny little things that happened. At the time, Sandy stealing people’s cars and eating live spiders seemed quite stressful, but it’s quite funny looking back. We’ve certainly got through a lot of little calamities with a smile on our face, Sandy and I. It’s been a real adventure. It feels like in a short space of time I’ve seen my daughter grow from a baby to a little girl.

So what have I learned in the last 100 days?

Well, firstly, I have to admit that looking after a baby full time is hard work. I take my hat off to parents around the world. I also apologise wholeheartedly for things I said in the early days (when Sharon was at home) like ‘you’ve got all the time in the world, just hoover when she’s asleep’ or ‘I’ve been at work all day, can’t you put her to bed?’ Being a stay at home parent is a full time job and you need breaks as much as anyone.

Secondly, I’ve learned that the body can just about cope with minimal sleep, but also that sleep deprivation turns you into a stressed out, grumpy monster. This has probably been the hardest part of my time with Sandy. I’m still struggling with the lack of sleep. Anything over a total of four hours a night seems like a luxury (and of course, a rarity.) There are times in the middle of the night where I’ve just felt like crying, when it’s all too much, but the daytime always brings a bit of perspective and Sandy’s cute face somehow makes everything alright.

Another thing I’ve learned is to be sensitive to the needs and moods of your partner. It’s all too easy to get drawn into competition. ‘Well you think your day has been bad, I had to do…’ etc etc. I’ve learned to not get drawn into these kinds of discussions, or should I more appropriately term them, ahem, arguments. I won’t lie, we really struggled with this in the early days. I think a lot of couples do. We’ve learned to work as a team though and appreciate how much we do for each other and for Sandy. I’m hoping that it has made me a less selfish person, but I’ll let Sharon decide that.

It’s been hard, but it’s also been an incredible 100 days and I will always look back on this time as one of the best of my life. It really has been an adventure. I’m proud of myself for getting through it, with both of us alive and in one piece. I’m also proud of Sharon with coping with going back to work, and letting us have this time together. I doubt I’ll ever get to do it again, so it really has been a once in a lifetime opportunity.

But most of all, thank you readers, for sticking with me, for your supportive comments and suggestions. It really feels like I have friends out there, even though I’ve never met most of you, and it feels like I’m not alone. Writing this blog has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

Thanks for being part of it.

Don’t worry, I’m still going to continue. I’ve decided to carry on posting every day. It’s a shame to stop now. Some of my posts might be a bit shorter (with a longer weekly one) but I’ll let you know what we’ve been up to every day. It seems too much of a shame to stop.

So signing off for now, but I’ll see you tomorrow for a mini-update.

See you soon,

Matt & Sandy.x

Things I’ve learned today: 100 days go by quickly. I am so thankful for everyone’s support. These last 100 days have been crazy but wonderful.

Poos: 1. In true celebration of many, many posts about poo, Sandy did an epic one today. It was a Daddy-needs-to-change-all-my-clothes-and-I-smell-disgusting kind of poo.

Daddy skills: 7/10

Day 94: Pills n’ thrills and bellyaches

Today has been really hard. I realised something good though; I haven’t had a migraine once since we’ve had Sandy. When I get migraines, I get them bad. I’ve known people to often confuse a bad headache with a migraine, but they’re not even comparable. With me they’re pretty much paralysing in that it hurts beyond anything I’ve felt to do anything but lie down with my eyes closed (and even then the pain is incessant). They make me feel sick to the stomach and feel somewhat like someone has my head in a vice and is gradually tightening it. I remember one particularly bad one when I was living in Bristol where I tried to make it to the pharmacy on my own, as I was out of pills, and ended up curled up on the floor of a bus stop until some kindly passer by helped me to my feet. Okay, I know, you get the idea. I’m going on a bit here. The important and good thing is that I haven’t had one since we had Sandy.

Until today.

I’ve no idea what triggered it. It might have been another sleepless night. Sandy wouldn’t go down last night at all. It was really disappointing because I really felt like she was starting to sleep better. Not last night. She screamed and screamed any time I left her and was still up gone midnight. When I eventually did get to bed she was up every hour or so through the night. It’s the dreaded teething again. Will it ever end? I guess not for a while yet.

I actually felt reasonably okay this morning, for someone who has missed another night’s sleep. Now, I’m sure many people would say that doing the dishes is migraine inducing enough. Well, this morning it really was. It came from nowhere. One minute I was happily shouting out answers to Ken Bruce’s Pop Master quiz on Radio 2 (Sandy joined in too, though her every answer is either Bwaahh, waahhh, or A-ha. Maybe one day the question ‘who had a number one hit in 1985 with the single Take on Me?’ will come up and Sandy will be spot on.) The next minute wham!!! (no not another 80s band answer)  it hit me; excruciating pain coming right from the centre of my head. I had to sit down and poor Sandy must’ve been quite perturbed by the sight of me whimpering and rubbing my head against the table.

It got worse and by late morning I could barely move. It’s hard enough normally but with a very loud and energetic baby to look after it’s torture. How do people do this? I guess you just do your best and struggle through.

It’s early evening now and a mixture of time and pills have eased the pain and I feel like I can see an end in sight. Looking back, if anything my love for Sandy has only increased further rather than the opposite. It’s her I feel sorry for. It’s not her fault I’m a useless lump today, not able to do anything. And she’s been AMAZING! It’s been so cute. Rather than getting stroppy at me just lying there or getting upset, she been giving me lots of hugs. She does the cutest thing when hugging me; she pats me gently on the back. She always does it, but today it felt extra comforting. The most adorable thing by far though, is rather than get upset with me not playing with her she’s subtly tried to involve me in things quietly. This morning she kept bringing books over to me and this afternoon she kept leaving toy presents on my lap.

And it could be much worse.

At least today she didn’t poo on my head.

See you soon,

Matt & Sandy.x

Things I learned today: Looking after a baby when you’re poorly is very difficult. It breaks your heart seeing them try everything they can to get you to play with them.

Poos:  1. Cleaning that up with a migraine wasn’t much fun.

Daddy skills: 3/10. Too poorly for Daddy skills today.

Day 79: The depths

I’ll probably have to keep this post short, because if I spend more than a little while staring at this screen I’ll fall asleep. The horror of this family illness reached new depths last night. Poor Sandy’s nose is so blocked that she just can’t get off to sleep. It’s agonising for her and agonising for us. I tried everything before bedtime; we have baby friendly olbas oil, a nasal respirator, saline spray and for the teething; dentinox and calpol. Sadly none of the above did enough to help her out. It’s painful to watch her struggling to breathe through her nose in a series of gurgles and clicks. Feeding is even more difficult and I almost had to force feed her to keep her hydrated and fed. It really was a living nightmare.

It got to about 4am with me sat cuddling her and trying everything when I finally gave in and brought her to bed with us. I’d love to say this solved everything, but it didn’t. We still had another couple of hours intermittent crying until she finally went to sleep attached to my chest just like the first week of her life. Needless to say it was difficult for me to sleep with her gurgling and snoring away on top of me. I think I got about half an hour in around 7ish. Poor Sharon had suffered a night of little sleep too and was feeling so rough that she had to have a sick day today.

Things have been very up and down today. It’s the mixture of teething and the cold. She’ll be happily playing one moment and then won’t stop screaming for the next half hour. It’s pretty incessant. We’re doing everything we can to comfort her. It was a godsend having Sharon off to help take some of the burden. In a way, it was nice for someone else to share what I’ve been going through the last few days.

I got an unexpected rest just after lunchtime. I’d put Sandy down in her cot but she was screaming full pelt, so I held her close to me and collapsed onto our bed with her on top of me. We both woke up about an hour later. Mummy hadn’t even realised, because she too had fell into an exhausted sleep on the sofa downstairs.

We have the glimmer of hope that Sandy has improved slightly, at least in terms of her cold. She ate a proper meal for the first time tonight and the stubborn blocked nose has turned into a running nose. I’m hoping this is a sign that the poorliness is leaving her. It’s all the hope I can cling on to.

Sandy has just gone to sleep in her cot, though she’s still having the odd outburst before going back to sleep again. I’m filled with sheer dread for the night ahead. Sharon really needs to go in to work tomorrow so bringing Sandy to our bed is not an option. It might be a night of after hours telly with a Sandy attached to me. And tomorrow I have to cope on my own. All I can do is hope that things get better. I’m really on my last legs and running on fumes. My eyes are red, my head is screaming, my body is tense. I need sleep. I need my normal baby back.

See you soon,

Matt, Sharon & Sandy.x

Things I learned today: Sandy has the ability to laugh and cry at the same time.

Poos: 0.

Daddy skills: 4/10. I’ve not got much more to give.

 

Day 78: Bad things come in twos

Teething and the common cold.

It turns out these are the arch enemy of any stay at home parent, especially when they turn up at the same time. Yesterday evening was just terrible. Sandy’s fever was high and she was so upset. All we could do was keep her cool, hydrated and give her lots of cuddles. Poor Mummy was in bed feeling ill herself by 9pm so I had to ride it out with Sandy downstairs. I didn’t resent her going to bed early because Sharon made dinner and looked after us, despite being poorly herself. She’s amazing. I tried putting Sandy to bed but it just wasn’t happening so we sweated it out on the couch. I was all set for her to join us in our room but at around 11pm she fell asleep properly and I was able to crawl into bed myself.

The inevitable waking up every hour happened though. I’m almost certain it is Sandy’s blocked nose that is waking her up. Poorly babies, unlike us, still try to breathe through their noses rather than their mouths and get really stressed out when they can’t. This also makes feeding a nightmare.

I thought today was going to be much better because Sandy woke in a great mood and her temperature is back down. All seemed to be looking up until she took her first mouthful of breakfast. It’s only a guess, but I think it was this touching her very sore four front teeth that are coming through which set her off. And she wouldn’t stop crying until I held her tight. This has been the order of the day. Happy moments, interspersed with epic tears and never ending cuddles (this last bit would be nice if she wasn’t so poorly.) I was all set to take her to the doctors, but since her fever has gone and all the symptoms are pretty obvious I decided we’d just try to relax as much as possible. I’ll see how we are tomorrow though because she’s still poorly. Sadly we are going to have to venture out shortly anyway though, because I’ve somehow lost her saline solution for her blocked nose and we need it bad. I’m going to see if I can find a baby friendly vaporiser too. I feel bad because as I type this, Sandy has just nuzzled into me and got very comfortable!

For my part, I feel utter wretched. I won’t go into too many details but I’m suffering from the same cold and this coupled with virtually no sleep has me at the weakest and poorliest I can remember feeling for a long time. I just have no energy and long for nothing more but to crawl into bed and hibernate. Still, that’s the lot of a stay at home Dad and people have to cope with much more. Goodness know how people with more than one kid cope with poorliness, I genuinely have the greatest respect and admiration in the world for them.

Right we’re off into the cold. Time to wrap up extra warm. Wish me luck. I’ve promised myself when we get home there will be hot chocolate and extra cuddles for Sandy. Though in reality I have dinner to cook and laundry to do.

Please, please can we get better now?

See you soon,

Matt & Sandy.x

Things I learned today: Colds and teething are the worst possible combination. Things have got to get better soon right?

Poos: 1.

Daddy skills: 5/10.

Day 77: The hardest of days

We’ve all been there. You’re on the bus, at a wedding or a school assembly, and somewhere nearby a baby is screaming hell for leather at the top of it’s voice, barely breaking for a breath. No matter what the parent does they won’t stop screaming. You can’t help thinking ‘I’m so glad that’s not my baby and I don’t have to deal with that much longer.’ It’s the incessant volume that gets to you. I consider myself to be an incredibly lucky parent in that I have never had to deal with that. Even when Sandy is at her grumpiest I can calm her with cuddles, distractions or a feed.

Until now.

This has been, without a doubt, one of the hardest 24 hours I’ve faced as a parent. 

I’d put this up there with the time Sharon had to go back into hospital in the first week and I had Sandy at home.

Sandy is poorly, I’m poorly, Mummy is poorly. It’s been agony. The worst thing is that Sandy has the worst possible combination of both poorliness and the emergence of four new teeth across her top gum. I can only imagine the pain she’s going through. I’m not sure what’s worse; the poorliness I’m facing myself, the lack of sleep or the feeling of helplessness for my poor daughter who I love so very much. It really has been heartbreaking. Sandy’s character has changed completely. She’s constantly spontaneously bursting into tears and won’t leave my side for more than twenty seconds. I feel like she hasn’t stopped crying for twenty four hours. It doesn’t appear to be anything serious, I’ve checked all the signs with NHS Direct. It really just seems to be this bad cold combined with bad teething. The results are horrendous.

It puts all those sleepless nights into perspective. I’m a wreck. Last night was the first night where I’ve missed out on an entire night’s sleep. This is no exaggeration. I literally had no sleep last night.

Zero, nil, nothing, nada.

Sandy was up constantly and I mean constant; about every twenty minutes. Each time I put her down she started crying. The only time she’d sleep was on my chest. It was like the old days of colic only about ten times worse. Today has passed by in a blur of cuddles, crying, screams, calpol, noise, discomfort and upset. I can’t possibly explain how hard it’s been. I’ve tried everything I can do to help, both medically (calpol / dentinox) and otherwise (teething ring, soothing, hydrating etc.) I really feel like I’ve done everything in the book and we’ve just got to ride it out. We’ll see how tomorrow goes. If she gets any worse I may have to go to the doctors just to be safe.

There’s one small mercy, in that Mummy has just walked in the door (though she’s in a state herself, working when poorly). Sharon has taken over cuddling duties so I can type this post and get some things done.

I can only hope and pray that even if the teething takes some time, this horrible cold leaves us all soon so some kind of normal life can resume.

Whoever said parenting was easy?

See you soon,

Matt, Sharon & Sandy.x

Things I learned today: Looking after a poorly baby when poorly yourself is agony. Sleep deprivation makes everything feel ten times worse.

Poos: 1 very green teething poo.

Daddy skills: 7/10. I’m trying.

Day 76: The lurgy strikes

The lurgy has hit the Stead household and hit it hard. I wonder if yesterday was an over-exertion  in a way. We were already feeling a bit under the weather. I’m still glad we did it, though, it was such a great day.

All three of us are properly poorly today though. It’s just a cold, but we’re all suffering with it badly; runny noses all round, sniffles, coughs, headaches. It’s the first time we’ve ever all been hit at the same time and it begs the question; who looks after who? It’s a lot easier when one of you is well and can run around after the others making lemsips and issuing cuddles, but this is a nightmare. Poor Sandy isn’t herself at all and has been crying whenever she’s not cuddled up to one of us. Her nose is flipping between running like a slimy Niagara Falls, to being blocked up, which is worse because it makes it hard for her to breathe when she’s feeding. It’s quite heartbreaking.

Of course housework stops for no man, so we’ve still had to go out and get the shopping, do the laundry, washing up etc. Sharon has been helping out with lots of it, which has been good. It’s really hard though. Every chore seems to take that bit longer to get through. We’ve got so little energy.

Sandy’s sleeping, which had been improving so well, has been thrown off kilter completely. Last night she was up through the night what seemed like every five minutes. Trying to deal with that when you can barely open your eyes and crawl out of bed was a killer. And today she’s repeated her old trick of spraying calpol all over Daddy. I have it on my face, in my hair, everywhere, but I’m too tired and too sick to go and have bath.

This is hard.

Tomorrow is Monday and I hope it brings some sort of recovery. Sharon’s talking about going into work because she’s starting to recover, but I think she’s mad. I can’t deal with the thought of having to look after on child all day, let alone 31. I guess that’s the lot of the teacher and you get used to it over time.

Keep your fingers crossed the lurgy leaves us overnight.

See you soon,

Matt, Sharon & Sandy.x

Things I learned today: Poorly baby and poorly parents makes for a poorly situation.

Poos: 1.

Daddy skills: 4/10. I’m struggling.

Day 75: You and me, we’re the mountain people

Today was the day when we finally got into the car and explored the area near to where we live. It was like being on holiday. I genuinely feel so lucky to live somewhere so beautiful.

We headed out a bit later than planned because Sandy decided to have a long mid morning nap for the first time in weeks. That was no bad thing though. I got to relax a bit with my favourite ukulele. By the time it got to midday though I had to go and wake her up. There’s naps and there’s naps. I dressed her up like the Michelin man in about a million layers and took her out to the car. I don’t know what it’s like where you are, but it’s gone really cold here overnight. It feels like winter is starting to take over from autumn already.
 
All wrapped up and prepared we got into the car, pointed it towards Wales and set off. I’ve never lived anywhere before where virtually whichever direction you head you emerge into something beautiful – to the North rolling fields of farmland up to Hereford, to the East the woods and the River Severn, to the South over the River Wye and into the forest, and to the West; Wales. We’d not really explored out this way together yet. It’s really as simple as leaving town on the A40 and driving right into mid-Wales, one road all the way. Sandy was in a pretty good mood and we all enjoyed driving through the forested roads and foothills taking in the autumn colours. I can’t tell you how beautiful it was. I’ll try. All the hills were covered in bracken the colour of rust and green. The forest is awash with different colours, yellows, bright reds, orange, ochre, browns, even purple, all framed by the expanse of evergreen firs.
 
Eventually we hit Abergavenny. Not literally. We stopped the car and wandered around the market. It was a huge market with stalls selling everything you could think of including delicious foods, toys, records, book and even…yes even..ukuleles. Don’t worry. I didn’t buy one. We did treat ourselves to pork and apple rolls though and Sandy helped me to devour mine. She must have liked it because I’ve never seen her scoff anything so quickly.

After lunch we carried on West through the Brecon Beacons National Park. We only really skirted the edge, but even this afforded us views of Sugarloaf Mountain, the Black Mountains and the Beacons themselves (more small mountains if there is such a thing.) As we headed towards the town of Brecon the sun was falling and it looked like it was sat on top of the hills washing them in gold.
 
Christmas has hit Brecon. It took is a bit by surprise to see twinkling fairy lights everywhere and giant plastic Santas climbing the shop fronts. I guess it is nearly December. It felt festive so we indulged ourselves with a hot chocolate and gingerbread latte. Sandy especially enjoyed the little bit of cream from my hot chocolate I let her join in with.
 
We’re on the way back now. Don’t worry, Sharon’s driving, I’m not typing at the wheel. It really does feel like we’ve been on holiday. I hope we can do this more often. Sandy is asleep with a smile on her face, happily worn out. I feel content and very lucky for so many reasons. And Sharon’s seems more relaxed than I’ve seen in a long time. The sun has been replaced by a big fat moon that looks like it is flying along with the hills, bobbing up and down, in and out of sight. It looks like something eerily beautiful from a Tim Burton film.
 
I’m so glad we did this. This is what weekends should be like. This is our little family life at it’s best.
 
See you soon,
 
Matt, Sharon & Sandy.x
 
Things I learned today: Getting out and about makes you feel a million times more happy. It’s good for you.
 
Poos: 0. Even Sandy is helping out.

Daddy skills: 8/10. So glad I suggested this.

Day 74: Sleep, sanity and the hairy cornflake

The last twenty four hours have seen what are hopefully two small breakthroughs, which will hopefully help to make Sandy a more well adjusted baby and prevent my gradual slide into sleep deprived insanity.

Last night Sandy slept almost through the night waking…

..ONCE.

Now I know this is only a small step and I’m sure we’re still a long way off the nirvana that is a night with unbroken sleep, but it really is a big deal for me. I’ve really been struggling on so little sleep. It makes me forgetful, grouchy and lethargic. It really does get into your mind and you end up sleepwalking through the day in a dreamlike state, not being able to apply yourself to anything and dreading the night ahead. Well last night was a different story. I gave her a feed around 11pm when I went to bed and then heard nothing until about 4:30 am this morning. That’s more than five hours unbroken sleep; the most I have had by some way, for more than two months. I’d forgotten what it felt like. I even had dreams. I rarely get into a deep enough sleep for dreams, in fact I rarely sleep at all and just doze through the night waiting for the next cry. It was glorious. She went back down after another feed and wasn’t up until 7:30am. This is the life!

Today she’s been full of energy so it was obviously good for her. I feel like I’ve got a bit more get up and go as well. In fact I cleaned and hoovered the house in record time this morning. Rather than stick Sandy in her jumperoo whilst I hoovered I thought I’d let her follow me around just for a bit of fun. I got the hoover out (or the GIANT ROBOTIC ELEPHANT MONSTER as Sandy likes to call it) and put it over the other side of the room. I thought I’d do it in stages of scariness to acclimatise her to it gently. I put her on the other side of the room. She looked a bit wary, but so far so good..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well. That was until I switched on the power.

 

 

 

 

 

 

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I‘ve never heard her cry so loud. It was one of those horrible cries that mixes fear and anger. Needless to say I switched the hoover off right away. Poor Sandy jumped into my arms and grasped my chest hair so tight that I wondered if I might look like this by the time she let go…

….

….

…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nope still this…

…

…

…

…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Well, maybe not quite as hairy as that.)

Anyway, onto breakthrough number two. It had got to about 11:15am and time for Sandy’s morning nap. The hoover incident had taken it’s toll and she looked pretty worn out. Oddly though, she was refusing to take her milk. Normally this means a struggle of epic proportions. Either that or I just give up. But she was so tired. And that hoovering needed doing.

So I gave her a cuddle and put her down in her cot and..

…IT’S A MIRACLE…

She’s sleeping.

Sure, it did take some crying and there was lots of shuffling noises on the baby monitor, but she’s gone down. I think that might be the first time I ever got her to sleep in the daytime without the use of milk. DADDY SKILLZ.

Now I’ve got to get onto those million tasks I’ve been putting off for weeks on end.

Well, after an episode of Big Bang Theory..

…and a nice cup of tea.

See you soon,

Matt & Sandy.x

Things I learned today: Some babies really are freaked out by hoovers. Sandy does possess the power to sleep without milk.

Poos: 0. It’s a matter of time.

Daddy skills: 8/10. Not bad!

Day 71: Step into my office, baby

I’m feeling a bit under the weather today. I think the lack of sleep has finally caught up with me. Sandy was in bed at a decent time last night so we got a decent evening of relaxing in. The night saw the re-emergence of waking up through the night though. I tried really hard to leave Sandy to her own devices at first and see if I can train her to settle, but it really wasn’t happening. I tried just calming her down and leaving her too. Sadly this didn’t work either. So today we’re having a day in. On the one hand I feel a bit guilty about not taking Sandy along to the Jumpstart session, but at the same time I recognise that I’m just really not capable today. I’m shattered. We’ll still go for our weekly Bounce n’ Rhyming at the library on Friday and meeting up with friends for coffee afterwards.

I really wish I could shift this feeling of guilt though. It’s a genuine problem that I suffer with on a day to day basis. I always feel like I should be doing more. Whenever I’m doing my own thing whilst Sandy plays I feel like I should be engaging with her more, whenever I try to nap at the same time as her I feel like I should be doing housework, whenever I cook a meal that features something from the freezer I feel like I should be cooking better. It’s getting stupid now. I don’t seem to be able to do anything without feeling I should be either doing a better job, or should be doing something more productive. It’s got to the point where I can hoover the whole house over three floors, dust and clean everything, and yet still feel like I’ve been slacking because I haven’t got around to tidying up the garden.

I was talking to Sharon about work last night and how the modern workplace has changed with the appraisal culture. We were talking about how it feels like you never do a good enough job because you always have new aims and objectives and have to be constantly improving. Having been a manager for some years, I was trying to make a point that this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as it’s always good to strive for better. I did see how it could work in a demotivating way though. I can see it happen to Sharon, as she tries to do her best under the weight of a million assessments and new schemes of work. There’s not enough praise. Everything is constructive criticism. I sound like I’m digressing, but I’m not entirely. The thing is, this conversation got me thinking about my predicament. I think having worked in that exact environment for so long my mind is wired to be self-critical of everything I do. I try my best, but to me it will never be good enough. Hoovering three floors is good, but doing the gardening too would be even better.

It is hard being stay at home parent sometimes. Yes, you have no boss to critique everything you do, but you also have no-one to say ‘well done, you’re doing a good job.’ Nobody every says ‘brilliant, you multi-tasked excellently as you washed up with one arm, whilst feeding a wriggly baby in the other.’ There are no Christmas bonuses. There are certainly no holidays…ever.

I have to admit though, I’d still much rather do this than be in the workplace.

And I think that’s where the guilt really stems from. I wonder if all stay at home Dads feel this at some point? I know it’s the Twenty-First Century, but I do think society still expects the man to be out working and supporting the family. No matter how much I do at home, I’m not doing that. It won’t be long until I have to go back to work and help to support us financially.

I just wish I could get rid of these feelings of guilt and enjoy the time I have doing this whilst I can.

See you soon,

Matt & Sandy.x

Things I learned today: I need to stop over-thinking things.

Poos: 1. Man, it was SMELLY!!

Daddy skills: 6/10